When I was a kid I had to play by the rules that others set for me. Good or bad rules I had no choice but to mind the adults in my life. I always said as soon as I got 18 I’m outta here. I’ll set my own rules, live by my own dreams and walk my own journey. Little did I know that all those years back then would rule the way I run my life now. It wasn’t the normal growing up rules that I so protested against. In all accounts I was a pretty good kid. No drinking, no drugs and really not much of any thing else. I was a pretty boring kiddo. Now before I go on I’m sure there are some out there from my past that will tell their own version of the story. Really, they may see me different then I saw myself. Truth is at this point in my life I don’t really care. From my view most of the adults in my life when I was a child were living their own sinful hell and taking it out on those around them. There is a lot I have to say about my past and how it all went down but I’m holding off until later. It’s took years of holding things in so I didn’t just blow up about things and spill my guts. I’d like to call the holding in thing maturity. The maturity to not just say things and call people out without fully thinking things through. Holding things in is one thing and laying down in your pity is another thing. I want no pity nor will I lay in it. There will come a time for me to be open and tell my story just not yet, not today but very soon.
I’ve watched over the years the people I love and share my life with lay down in their pity. Talk is cheap but getting up and running is always at a high cost. In 2012 I found myself at a turning point. Sit here and stay in the pity or get up and move. I choose to move and move I did. I started my weight loss journey and decided I would restore my life. I needed to figure out why I used food to cope. I needed to figure out who I was as an adult. I needed to find my journey, my path if you will. I missed that girl that had messy hair, never wore makeup and loved being an artist. She came from a long road of hardship but some how put it all behind her and moved forward, or so I thought. Then the reality of what really happened started to haute me. The past was hurtful and food pushed it away. The more I hurt the more I ate. Topping the scales at 304lbs in 2012. What a nightmare! The past had controlled me into my very own living nightmare. With loads of medications for high blood pressure and various other things I knew the Doctors were right. You will have a stroke or heart attach by the time you are 50. This was the first time in my life I realized I was a bit competitive. I left that doctors office saying to myself “I’ll show you”. If you have been one of my blog readers you know I had Lab Band bariatric surgery in October of 2012. That surgery was successful until it wasn’t and scar tissue took over the band. In November of 2014 I had sleeve revision bariatric surgery. My surgeries are a success story. It has taken years for me to understand why I used food as a coping drug. I get it now why I needed the food to get through those years. It didn’t or doesn’t make it easy to deal with it on a daily bases. The past is just a memory away and the nightmare is always there. It doesn’t take much to wake it up and it all comes tumbling back at me.
For the rest of my life I will always feel like I have to prove myself. Prove that I’m worth so much more than what happened to me as a child. It’s just who I am now and competitive I will always be. I don’t want to compete with others only myself. I will alway have a problem with people who take advantage of others. Walk your own path, dig your own ditch and don’t ride on someone else wings. Blazing your own way in this world is so much more satisfying than letting others do the work for you and you take credit. I’ve learned that I don’t have to use food. It really isn’t the answer to all the things that dance in my head. Some say that I only exchanged my food addiction for my workout addiction. I will be honest and say yes that is what I did. I’m not perfect and never will be although I strive to be. If I don’t workout I yearn for it, I crave it and I most likely become grumpy if I don’t do it. Running is easier to over come than a lg pizza and half a cheese cake. That was usually a snack while I made dinner for the family. Now I run, lift weights and take classes at the gym. Making this change wasn’t easy and I wanted to give up more times than I can count. Slowly my new life style of coping became a part of who I am.
It is easy to say my life sucks because this or that. It’s easy to just sit where you are in life and talk and talk and talk about what you want to do. Easy makes you sit in your pity. What is hard is standing up and making changes. Moving forward is what makes a difference. Not moving forward is sure to put you in the middle of a living nightmare. I choose to move forward, find new ways to cope and fly on my own. I decided to shake off those that wanted to drag my wings down. This year is the year I have decided to jump off that cliff and fly. Oh its scary to see what is out there and know what is coming but I’m ready. This year is full of many changes, many new adventures and so much living to do. Do you have things you want to do? Dreams you think about all the time. Are you sitting in your pity or are you standing and moving? Everyday is a new ticket to live and make changes. Stand up and move!
